Toasty
by PichuK
Summary: A fateful encounter with a door to door saleswoman starts a truly amazing relationship. Gir/Toaster Romance.


**a/n: yes. toasters. that's all I can say. first zimfic and it's centered around my least favorite character and a toaster. what's wrong with me.**

**I do not own Invader Zim, but I do own many, many toasters. They wake me up at night and tell me to write things in blood in the attic. They give me rewards for doing so.**

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Most people know the difference between an animate object and an inanimate one. The remaining few who can not are usually completely insane or involved in an epic struggle for whatever sense they have left. In an odd case, neither of these things were true for a faulty SIR unit named GIR.

GIR was not insane. He was never insane - he was simply coded that way, filled to the brim with unfortunate glitches which made him the most useless robot servant to exist.

GIR would stare absentmindedly at the angry monkey on TV. When the monkey moved, GIR would gasp and fall to the floor in hysterics. It was a horrible twist of fate that the show had been canceled. Zim was extremely grateful for this, not that he'd admit it. But GIR could tell. GIR knew that his master was happy. His master simply didn't understand what the monkey meant to GIR, that there had been a bond between the two that only fate could crush.

"WHY, MONKEY?! WHHHYY? You were my bestest friends, and I fed you taquitoes with me and even WEENIES!" GIR lamented, bawling on the floor. His master sighed and yelled at him from the kitchen, incoherent blabber that GIR would shut out and forget. His master stopped speaking for a moment, and then caught eye contact with him. He said another thing in a questioning tone, staring expectantly.

GIR didn't know how to answer. He tried to explain his emotional situation with a forlorn cry of "MONKEY!" whilst pointing desperately at the TV. He silently begged for his master to understand.

After a moment of silence, Zim sighed. "I'll take that as a 'yes'. I am going to the labs to test out my NEWEST SUPERIOR INVENTION!" He paused dramatically. "A puppet... THAT SHOOTS LAZERS!" He broke out into a maniacal cackle, forgetting completely about GIR. "Yess... the Harry-puppet is almost complete... soon, SOON the humans will be DOOMED by the FIST that is THE IRKEN EMPIRE!" he continued as he stepped into the toilet and flushed himself down.

Almost immediately after his master had left GIR's sight, the doorbell rang. It echoed in GIR's currently-empty head, telling him to get dressed. His master had said it was bad to be naked in public, a rare snippet on information that had gotten through GIR's faulty noise-filters. In one fluid motion he put on his doggie suit and answered the door, grinning stupidly and blissfully escaping his feeling of loss.

A tall, blond woman in an official-looking suit stared down at GIR, her expression turning quickly from bored agitation to joy.

"Awww, hello there little doggie! Is your master home?" She patted GIR's head with her free hand.

GIR looked up at her.

And in her other hand was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

It was a sparkling chrome cube, sunlight reflecting off its surface. Two slits were carved into it, and a long, black wire flowed gracefully out form it, which only complimented its other features. GIR stared at it for a full minute, slack-jawed and drooling. GIR could hear it talking, pleading for him to take it away from the woman. After another minute of listening to the toaster's pleas, GIR snapped back to reality. He knew what he had to do.

With a rehearsed swipe, he took the toaster in to his own hands, shut the door and tore off his doggie suit, leaving the woman outside for the gnomes. He held the toaster above him, seeing another smiling face staring back. It had cyan eyes, just like his. He squealed in joy.

"Thank you for saving me! You're my hero! My name's Toasty. What's yours, hero?" Her voice was seductive and smooth. GIR squealed even louder and shouted his answer to the world:

"I IS GIR!!!"

He eagerly ran his hands up and down Toasty's smooth surface, feeling pleasure in having a friend that the could touch and feel. She was different than his master, he knew she'd never yell at him or say weird things. She wouldn't leave him like the Angry Monkey. She wouldn't be mean to his master like the Big-head Boy. She was absolutely perfect.

"Gir, hmm? Let's have fun, then."

GIR liked to have fun. His life was based around fun. He leaned closer to Toasty, his grin on the verge of falling off his face.

"YAAAAAY!!"

"Just plug me in, hero."

"OKAY!"

GIR ran into the kitchen, holding Toasty under his arm. He plugged toasty in to a socket, and he felt her temperature begin to rise. He gasped at this change, and then inserted a piece of bread in to one of the slits on Toasty's sturdy frame. Toasty let out quiet giggles, and GIR joined her. He decided that he could make the situation even MORE fun if there was even MORE noise, because making noise was fun. He began to sing his greatest piece of song-poetry ever, the doom song.

"You're a great singer." GIR smiled. His master never spoke to him like that, elevating the compliment to the size of Zim's ego. Pride filled him to the brim.

"T-thank you..." he began to cry tears of pure, unbridled joy.

"It's almost ready now..." Toasty was obviously eager, snapping GIR out of his thoughts. The bread popped out of Toasty's body, smoldering and brown. GIR gasped.

"WE MADES A BABY-BREADS!" The reality of the situation hit him like a truck. He was a father now. He would need to be the most responsible parent ever. He would need to devote as much duty to his son as he did to the mission.

He thought hard for a second before his thoughts drifted to waffles. He then grinned and squealed maniacally and put another piece of toast in.

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"GIR!" Zim tapped his foot at his robot, becoming more and more impatient by the second. "You will come with me to start the Harry-puppet's lazers. THAT IS AN ORDER!"

"They needs me, master! And Toasty! The babeez needs foods!" GIR was now father to 52 boys and 25 girls. They were all his responsibility, as he had learned painfully that Toasty had no limbs to assist him with the children. He turned back to a piece of toast and with care and determination spread some raspberry jam over it.

Zim pulled at his antennae. Sure, GIR was usually a nuisance, but this time he had gone too far. He had been shouting at him for four days straight, and it took him three days to make the Harry-puppet's lazers absolutely perfect. The first time, they had exploded and a piece of falling tube had killed one of GIR's many sons. Not that Zim cared, but it made GIR very, _very_ mad. If only he could get him to react like that on command, then he would truly be the BEST SIR unit and be even more worthy of the greatness of ZIM! Not that he wasn't already. He would be even more worthy-er!

GIR leaned back from his work and gazed over all his children. He decided that now was the time, he had been putting off suggesting the idea to Toasty, but now it seemed perfect. They had many children. They knew each others' interests and hobbies. GIR took a deep breath and exclaimed to Toasty:

"LET'S GET MARRIED!"

Toasty had been expecting this since their 16th child. She mentally smiled and replied: "Of course, hero." Despite GIR's impulsiveness, he was really a nice guy. And he was pretty funny at times, too.

GIR turned to his master and squealed happily. "MASTER! I'M GETTIN MARRIED! I has to invites Big-Head and Big-Head-Sister and PIG and WEENIES AND YOU! Master! Come to my marry-thingies!"

Zim stared at his SIR. GIR had said many stupid and ridiculous things in the past, but that... that definitely took the #1 spot in his mind. It took him a minute to register exactly what GIR had said. "No! ZIM does not engage in human marriage-activities! And you will NOT invite the DIB!" he spat the last out as if were an extremely dirty curse word that his cold, unfeeling robot arm would yell at him for.

GIR heard none of this with his busted audio receivers. He smiled and took a party hat out from his chest cavity and put it on Zim's head.

"We's gonna get marries TOMORROW!" he decided. He knew what he had to do: he had to tell the INTERNETS this! He dashed to the lower levels of the base and started the computer, something that Zim let him do on the condition that he would "go on the internets and BE QUIET!". GIR giggled at the memory, he spent hours asking his master to for internets. And then he banged on the teleview keyboard and hit the autodial for the Tallests. It was funny.

He checked his emails and downloaded things that he thought his master would find useful (Bust enlargers sounded fun! So did Vee-za cards!) before emailing new of the grand event to Dib, Gaz and Pig. He smiled in anticipation and went on to websites he liked, forgetting about his master again...

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Everyone had shown up except Gaz and Zim. After reviewing his list of people who he invited to the marriage, he thought it was rather lacking. So, he also invited the Krazy Taco man, Minimoose, the Roboparents, the neighbours, a hobo, Bloaty the Pizza Hog, a rabid badger, a clown, Keef, a "Noodle Boy" and a guy named Jhonen. GIR was a little saddened that his master didn't want to come out of the labs, but he started the ceremony anyway.

The house was completely chaotic. Nobody could hear the pastor above the Noodle Boy's yelling, which got him shot by the neighbors, who the Krazy Taco man reported to the FBI, who also arrested the clown, who was annoying the badger, who the Roboparents were offering Keef to as food, who was conversing with Minimoose, who was being tested on by Dib. Eventually Jhonen called the madness to an end when the penultimate question was asked:

"Do you, GIR, take this toaster to be your lawfully wedded wife?" The pastor had a very monotonous monotone. His droning went on and on. It was a miracle that anyone listened. He was really boring. A real party killer. But he had to be there because he was the pastor.

Tension was building in the air.

"Yes." GIR nodded sagely, despite being completely distracted, thinking of the Angry Monkey and why it hadn't been on TV recently.

"Do you, toaster, take GIR to be your husband?"

"SHE SAYS YAS!"

A quiet squeak from Minimoose sounded through the room, and confetti showered from the ceiling, covering GIR, Toasty and their children.

GIR smiled to himself. This was the start of something great.

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**a/n: aand the fic ends because it is clearly not "something great". this is what i do with my life. crackfics. **


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